I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
