yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
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Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
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Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
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