The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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