I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
