Texts From Last Night

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  (727): View more from Florida

  I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.

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  (727): I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused. http://tfl.nu/bje5
  Replies (24) Good night (1076) Bad night (3869)
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  (+64): View more from New Zealand

  apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.

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  (+64): apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing. http://tfl.nu/xl08
  Replies (36) Good night (4226) Bad night (633)
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.

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  (630): just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol. http://tfl.nu/7wr8
  Replies (8) Good night (667) Bad night (3574)
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  (315): View more from New York

  i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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  (315): i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love http://tfl.nu/v9ss
  Replies (131) Good night (61959) Bad night (2306)
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.

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  (913): just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home. http://tfl.nu/c9s9
  Replies (45) Good night (12050) Bad night (1303)
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.

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  (703): i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon. http://tfl.nu/dn2m
  Replies (15) Good night (1394) Bad night (1727)
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.

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  (423): take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me. http://tfl.nu/qdcc
  Replies (20) Good night (2232) Bad night (950)
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.

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  (703): I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did. http://tfl.nu/tu20
  Replies (6) Good night (1285) Bad night (557)
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  (817): View more from Texas

  What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?

  (940): View more from Texas

  I worry about you.

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  (817): What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes? (940): I worry about you. http://tfl.nu/kzw0
  Replies (6) Good night (632) Bad night (1140)
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.

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  (612): I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo. http://tfl.nu/h4b8
  Replies (15) Good night (607) Bad night (1029)
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!

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  (210): Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together! http://tfl.nu/bu70
  Replies (3) Good night (1217) Bad night (493)
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  (406): View more from Montana

  Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.

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  (406): Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on. http://tfl.nu/zrfh
  Replies (6) Good night (1971) Bad night (808)
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.

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  (902): I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms. http://tfl.nu/obep
  Replies (7) Good night (1346) Bad night (434)
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."

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  (303): My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..." http://tfl.nu/535j
  Replies (5) Good night (1202) Bad night (349)
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.

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  (208): The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med. http://tfl.nu/j1ow
  Replies (1) Good night (647) Bad night (284)

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