You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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