I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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