She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
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