I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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