I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
