I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Let's get the cat blown out
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
