my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Dignity is for republicans.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
