There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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