i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
