If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Please, let me fuck your mom
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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