do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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