I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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