I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Randomize
