Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
