I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
It's official drugs can't kill me
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
