I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
