Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
