He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
