did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
