if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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