Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
nutella sex= disaster
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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