I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Never underestimate the power of titties
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
