I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
