What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Is it because I queefed?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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