I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
