she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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