Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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