You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
