I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
