I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize