Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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