I didn't shave. On purpose
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
