I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
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