I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
