I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
This couple is walking their pig around campus
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
