Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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