Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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