Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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