The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
COCAINE IS GR8
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
