i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
