help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
