My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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