I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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