The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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