Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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