Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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