Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
50% drunk capacity currently
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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