TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
