My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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