why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
