I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
