Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
