this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
