I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
